Put a cigarette out on my heart, please.

Put a cigarette out on my heart, please.

For the past two nights, I have had the most horrifying dream. I don't want to call it a nightmare because I found it very poignant to my current state.

The first night, my dream started out with my little sister, Rachel, smoking a cigarette and putting it out on my arm. Then there were more of my loved ones and close friends. All of them were smoking and all of them were putting their cigarettes out on me. In normal lives, these wonderful people do not smoke. They would never intentionally cause me harm. So, why would they do this to me?

The second night, the dream started out the same (with Rachel) but the people became more varied. They included my pastor and his family, my friends AND their kids, my parents friends, etc. All smoking. All putting their cigarettes out on me. It is highly disturbing to dream about a 19 month old sweet peach smoking and putting it out on your knee. It sucks. My heart was in pieces. Why not just put the cigarette out on my heart? Why would they do this to me?

It's not just about me. It's about them too. Why would I do that to them? Because, essentially this is what I was doing to these wonderful people every day. Every time I lit up a cigarette I was hurting them. I was depriving them of getting to spend a longer life with them. I could be harming them physically by second hand. I could be harming them mentally by putting a cigarette out on their hearts.

I decided this week to quit smoking. This is a personal decision; it has nothing to do with anyone. It's my time. I decided to do this for me. I am on the patch, which is helping enormously. My anxieties are a little high, and occasionally I feel like I want to punch people in the face (but I don't). But, I'm tired of hurting my friends and their loved ones. My loved ones. My family . My Rachel.

These dreams started the night after I quit smoking. It is the cigarette on the heart I needed. If I have put a cigarette out on your heart, I apologize profusely. I could never apologize enough for what I have done. This dream was my awakening, it is the kick in the pants I needed. It's the hurt I needed to realize what I have been doing all these stupid stupid stupid 16 years. I hope that I do continue to get a cigarette put out on my heart to keep me strong and remind me of my effect on others.

Please bear with me during this time. Pray for me. Pray for my Mom and Dad because they are being so supportive and putting themselves in the front line getting pretty much the full force emotional flood I am being during this.

Thank you for being in my dreams and putting a cigarette out on me. I know you care because you were there.