Slow burning in a dancing room…
Yes, I know that is not how the song goes. I have been thinking a lot lately. So many thoughts have danced through my head and many emotions have burned in my heart. Can anyone understand how I feel? Maybe. I am generally a very upbeat, happy, open, loving and I try to look at the humor in life. But, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Upbeat and gloomy. You see me with a pep in my step, a smile on my face and laughter in my heart. I would rather spend my time uplifting others with my attitude and encouragement. But, there are days I have a cloud hanging over my head. Those are the days I hold up a flashlight so you look at my flashlight and not my cloud. I've heard it is comforting to see me "down" because it shows people that I am human. Really!? You need to see me depressed to know that I am human? Am I really that different? Maybe that is why there are days that I can be surrounded by people yet still feel hopelessly alone.
Happy yet unhappy. I have so many things to be happy for because I have been blessed in life. That does not mean you can hurt me and I'm going to just toss that hurt away. That hurt protects me; it protects me from getting hurt worse. My unhappiness leads me to ask questions that I would never ask you directly. As my friend, can you truly say that you pay attention to me? Or, is our friendship one sided? Am I your friend for your benefit only? Do you notice when something is wrong and choose not to say anything? Or, do you simply not care?
Open and shut. I have led an extraordinarily ordinary life. I have experienced many things that have helped shape who I am, some good and some bad. In most cases I do not run willy nilly into a situation. My moves are thought out like I'm playing a game of chess. I learn from my mistakes. If I have played with you before I know what I can expect. I can know when I need to sacrifice a pawn to save my queen. Or, maybe I haven't played with you before, I need to make the right decision in a timely manner before someone else steps in and takes my king! Most things I share. But, there are some things that I choose not to share, so please do not pry. And, please do not judge. I judge myself enough.
These are things I have held back for a while. But, I cannot continue in this pattern. I need to let it go. All the negativity will slowly burn you away until that is all that is left: burning negativity. But, to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Slow dancing in a burning room…
I am not one who just throws "I love you" around. For me "I love you" is a promise. It means I want you in my life for the rest of my life. I have never uttered those words to a guy I have dated. In fact, until last night I had only said it to two men (one being my dad). And, before you ask….NO I am not dating anyone.
In the past year I have met someone like me. Someone who understands me and I understand them; someone I can talk to without fear. Last night we were walking for a very short while (to my truck), and as they left and I got in my truck, they said, "I love you." I don't think they heard me, but I said "I love you" back. I said it with all confidence in our friendship.
The past few weeks have been plagued with negativity, pushing and struggle. Last night all of that was lifted away. I was overcome with joy for the promise of a new long-lasting friendship. My heart is calm and dancing a slow waltz as a fire burns away all of my troubles. There are things you don't have to say, I understand. I can sleep easy knowing you understand me and won't misuse that understanding.
So I raise my wine glass filled with chocolate milk and proclaim, "TO FRIENDSHIP!!!"
