My year in Facebook Statuses

• I have discovered that if you pour the new Cheetos Zingers into the palm of your hand, and flick your tongue out really quick (like a lizard), the Cheetos stick to your tongue (like a fly to a lizard's tongue)!!!! I've been pretending to be a lizard for almost the past 30 minutes (again)!
  

  
   

• I can't wait to stomp you and show you how awesome I am! You're going down! (You know who you are)!!!! <----just a little friendly putt putt trash talk!!!! I love putt putt trash talk!
  

  
   

• Storms are kinda cute when the clouds are shaped like Care Bears!
  

  
   

• I'm swimming in YAY!
  

  
   

• I keep landing in your butt crack---that's what he said! (to clarify that's the butt crack of the couch)
  

  
   

• I went to Wal-Mart for a reason. I walked in and promptly forgot why I was there. I walked out with Captain Crunch. Three bowls later.....I REGRET NOTHING!!!!
  

  
   

• In case you didn't know....the Staples commercial LIE! If you go in their store and go item by item loudly proclaiming "WOW, THAT'S A LOW PRICE!!!" you will get kicked out around aisle 5. I just though you should know.
  

  
   

• Last night in my dream, my phone rang, but no one was there. Then (also in the dream) there was a knock on my door, but no one was there. This morning I found out there actually was a phone call and I did converse with someone in my sleep. So, who knocked on my door, and please tell me I didn't answer the door!
  

  
   

• How do you hit a turtle!? It's not like it is running across the road or anything! It could have been on it's way to see it's family! It could have been going on a hot date! What if it was like Forrest Gump and just felt like runnin? I feel SOOO horrible. And yes, I cried. Poor turtle, I'm sorry I ran over you. Enjoy Turtle Heaven.
  

  
   

• So today someone asks "Hey, why do you read so much?" My reply was, "Because, I don't want to be a complete dummy." His reply, "I haven't read a book since high school." My reply, "My point exactly." Four hours later he looked at me and said, "You called me dumb didn't you?" Why yes, yes I did!
  

  
   

• I fall down and go boom! I got a little too hot, and I got dizzy, and I fell into the bookcase. Why is it that the book that fell was "Oddballs and Eccentrics"??? I got a booboo on my head =( oh well. Hopefully the air will get fixed for good so this won't happen again!
  

  
   

• I was stopped at a stop light with my arm hanging out of the window when these two motorcycles drove by really close! They gave me high fives! Thank you to those two motorcylists, you easily just made my whole night! ♥
  

  
   

• I'm having one of those days where I am embracing the kid in me and the adult....yeah....that's me drinking chocolate milk out of a wine glass! Admit it, you want to do it now!
  

  
   

• My shoulders and back are so sunburned that I have been pretending to be a Tyrannasaurus Rex (just using my forearms instead of upper arms and shoulders) all night! I think I roared at a duvet too! Haha, at least my imagination can get me through the pain almost!
  

  
   

• I just got a text message from my dad that said "About this time 29 years ago, I walked into St. Francis Hospital in Memphis and 3 people yelled at me, 'Go home your wife just called'." This is how Dad might say Happy Birthday, and this is why I love him!
  

  
   

• I was just at Wal-Mart and saw two elderly people in the electronic carts, I was kinda stuck behind them in the aisle and getting a little impatient until the old lady looked at the old man and said "Want to race?" He nodded and she took off! She won! I hope that I am that awesome when I get older!!!
  

  
   

• I keep hearing people talk about this song "Gangster Party" but down here in the south when they say it, it sounds like "Gangsta Potty". Now I'm thinking "What is a Gangsta Potty? A Bejeweled Bidet? Is it a toilet version of the pimp cup?"
  

  
   

• There is a guy at Starbucks that looks like Jesus! Jesus made me coffee! I feel special because Jesus made me coffee! Well, come to think of it, Jesus is kinda hot because he made my coffee and did a GREAT job!
  

  
   

• I took a quick power nap to re-energize. When I woke up there was a $1 under my pillow. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
  

  
   

• I couldn't find my phone, and had to get my absolutely positively most wonderful friend, Misty Wallace , text me. My phone was in the cereal box. Oops! Better than the freezer!
  

  
   

• If you try and rain on my parade, I will take your raindrops, turn them into Skittles, and I will EAT them!
  

  
   

• I ♥ talking to my sister at night and planning gastronomically pleasing, non opposing, non redudant, non explosive meals! "Hmmm, what type of noodles should I have with my grilled ham and cheese? Alfredo broccoli, parmesan, chicken broccoli, or mac and cheese?" My answer? Mac n cheese. even though the cheese type would be gastronomically redundant it would not be a gastronomical opposition.
  

  
   

• I really don't like dreaming when I am not feeling well. How does one choke on cotton candy? Why was Yoda laughing at me? Why were Yoda and Captain Kirk playing darts together? Why can't I go back to sleep now?
  

  
   

• I swear to COW!
  

  
   

• Why is it that when I watch Zombieland I always want to eat spaghetti afterwards? Can you guess what I'm having for lunch?
  

  
   

• You should really be considerate of other people. If someone says "I don't like burgers" don't throw away the whole burger, what if they want to eat the veggies off of it?
  

  
   

• The bathroom door got stuck and I couldn't get out! I kept tugging and tugging and tugging...and then WWWHHHHHAAAAMMMM! I hit myself in the head, and just about knocked myself out. Small knot on the head and a small headache. Maybe I should have just stayed stuck and took a bubble bath. Only me!
  

  
   

• I often pretend that the person standing next to me in an elevator is an unwitting carrier of a deadly airborne disease unleashed by terrorists who hate our freedom. This, of course, forces me to hold my breath until the doors open.
  

  
   

• when i hear this song I think a hippopatumus should be chasing me.
  

  
   

• I don't think I will understand why people think it is ok to answer the door naked when they order a pizza. I do not want to see that! Manorexic, tanorexic, gross. I think he took that song from Annie "You're never fully dressed without a smile" a little bit too seriously.
  

  
   

• Hmmm....I need to get on the ball....if you take all of Starbucks key beverages and multiply them by the modifiers and customization options there is a possibility of 87,000 drinks at Starbucks. If I had Starbucks twice a day it would still take 119 years to consume every drink. Woah!
  

  
   

• if I can blow bubbles with my eyes, I should be able to fart with my ears. just saying
  

  
   

• Live each day like it's your last. And always to the fullest. And just to add some extra fun, surround yourself with mullets!
  

  
   

• I think Microsoft Office needs a Harry Potter edition so it will quit auto-correcting my words or telling me that I'm spelling them wrong. I know how to spell quidditch and quaffle you idiot machine. I do not wish to play "Which with a Waffle"
  

  
   

• I just laughed so hard that a black olive came out of my nose. I keep trying to remind myself that I am not a food dispenser!
  

  
   

• That's gonna leave a bruise. I woke up early today. Why? The bookcase in the corner of my room decided to fall over this morning. Fell over onto my bed. Onto me. What book hit me in the head you ask? The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.
  

  
   

• "If you don't have 3 eggs you may substitute with 4 egg whites." I don't think they understand my current situation.
  

  
   

• Ughhh....trying to sleep but I keep slipping into the almost dream sleep....you still here the television or whatever else is on....so batman is playing in your head and then all of the sudden Dog the bounty hunter busts in your dreams and tries to arrest Batman! Get off my boy dog!
  

  
   

• There is only one type of person that is allowed to waddle, and that would be a pregnant woman. If you are waddling because you don't know what size pants you wear and your pants are below your bottom then you will be considered a duck. DUCK HUNT anyone???
  

  
   

• Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to your, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You're on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like. I'm on a computer.
  

  
   

• If a tomato is technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
  

  
   

• I'm going to beat you like a tetherball!
  

  
   

• I adore my bosses that are concerned for my safety and well being. I thank them for shaking their fingers at me & warning me to "check it before you chomp it."
  

  
   

• Pointy words are mouse turds.
  

  
   

• What is the gestation period of a werewolf? Would it be the same as a human or more shorter like that of a wolf?
  

  
   

• bloody nose + sneezing fit + my unique ability to shoot fluids out of my eyes = a WHOLE new meaning to the term "bloodshot eyes"
  

  
   

• that deep rolling thump you heard was me falling down the stairs. That bang was the cake container hitting the ceiling. The yell was me cursing the fact that I am now having to clean cake out of the carpet.
  

  
   

• Arghh! I hate it when you lay something down, turn around and then can't find it. I just laid them down so I could hang them up. Where are my pants!?
  

  
   

• Someone stole my buggy at Wal-Mart! And I was almost done shopping! Arghh! I think I spotted my missing buggy so I discreetly tossed a few cans of SPAM in there. Take that buggy stealer!
  

  
   

• BLAST ENDED SCREWTS! I have shocked myself so much tonight that my hair is beginning to stand out!
  

  
   

  Have you ever listened to something beautiful and it makes you think "wow, I think my ears just got laid" yeah well that totally just happened, but I have no idea what/who it was I was listening to!