A letter to my mother

This blog was originally posted on my myspace. I am consolidating my blogs and putting all entries worth saving over here.
****************

A letter to my mother
My mother always appreciates when we use our creative abilities to make her gifts. For Mother's Day this year I wrote a little blah instead of giving her a generic card. Apparently it was pretty good so I thought I would share it with everyone. It is a little bit about my family and what they mean to me. Read if you want.
******************************************************
Sometimes I wonder.
I sometimes look back and wonder what it would be like if my parents had stopped having children after me. What would have life had been like if I was an only child? I know my parents love me, but I think they learned to love me more by having more. Their love grew with each child they had, but their hearts could only grow so much for us. That’s why I think they only had three children. Their hearts could only hold the right amount of love for three children. Unlike their love for us, their love for each other could only grow more over time.
My sister, Rachel, was born in 1983. I was two years old at the time, and I do not remember much about my mother’s pregnancy or the birth of my sister. I know Rachel had to remain in the hospital for quite a while because she was born premature. She was physically not strong enough to live at home with us yet. For this reason, I think I was not as close to her in childhood as I should have been. She had to stay and get stronger. It was like isolation. Yes, my parents were able to love her at the hospital, and care for her. But, she missed out on the love we all had for her at home.
Sometimes I wonder what our relationship would have been like if she had been born healthy. Would I still feel the same way about her as I do now? I am still trying to form a strong bond with my sister, Rachel. She is so strong and independent. Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t need us or our love. But, I love her anyway. I wonder if she knows this.
Unlike Rachel’s birth, I remember Brinkley. I was in kindergarten when my mother was pregnant with her. I was so excited to have a new baby at home, and I was ready to be a good big sister and help my mom and dad out. It was an exciting day when Brinkley was born. I really don’t remember a whole lot, except the love. When Brinkley was born, Mom was so happy and she loved me even more. Dad was so proud of Mom and Brinkley, and he was proud of me for wanting to help. Rachel as always was so strong and independent, and she just wanted to put Brinkley back in.
Sometimes I wonder if Brinkley knows that we picked on her because we loved her and wanted her to be stronger. Rachel and I did tend to gang up on Brinkley as a child. She was sort of an outcast physically. Rachel and I both had strong frames and strong minds. We picked on Brinkley for being an alien (she did have a rather large head and big eyes) or for being the Swann’s man’s baby (he had blonde hair and she had blonde hair where we had brown hair). But I think secretly, Rachel and I did this to make Brinkley stronger mentally. She was so much different than us, but we loved her just the same.
All three of us girls are so different. But, I don’t think my parents would have loved us the same if we had all been the same cookie cutter children. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. Our parents love us just the same. In the end, I think Brinkley has become the strongest physically, but as much as Rachel and I tried, Brinkley is still not as strong mentally. I think she is still the scared little kid, but that just means we can try and protect her more. Brinkley has the best combination of common sense and book smarts. Sometimes I wonder if she knows how perfect this makes her.
Rachel has so much book smarts! I know that one day Rachel will be known for great things. If anyone in our family could win a Nobel Peace Prize, I think it would be Rachel. With her passion and drive towards making things perfect, I think she will make an impact in the world of medicine, and I will be clipping out newspaper articles with her achievements in them one day. Sometimes I wonder if Rachel knows how far we know she will go.
I was born with a lot of common sense. I think I needed this trait to be able to know how to push my sisters toward greater things. While I have struggled in school and always knew that it was not my thing. I always know that I can push my family and encourage them for greater things. This may have been my gift, and one I gladly accept. I am so proud of my family and the great things they are bound for. Sometimes I wonder if I underestimate myself and the things that I am bound for.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know how much we love them, how proud we are of them, and how far we think they will go. Our dad has always taught us not to accept normal, never to stop learning, and never underestimate our own knowledge. With his support we have learned how to believe in ourselves, learn from each other, and always seek new adventures. My dad has never stopped learning as he has grown older. He may have not had the most book smarts, but my dad is the most intelligent person I know. His views, his experience, and his love have made him one of the best teachers I have ever had the chance to learn from.
Sometimes I wonder if my dad knows just how proud I am of him. My dad has led an extraordinary normal life. He may have not had the money to have as many adventures as he would have liked, but he had adventures that made him the man he is, the man that we love. The things that he has done have given him the knowledge to pass on to us life lessons we could not have learned otherwise. His experience in the medical field has given the knowledge to understand Rachel when she starts talking “smart talk”. His experience in musical instruments and weapons has given him the knowledge to teach Brinkley in her vast amount of curiosity and interests. And, his knowledge in literature has helped him teach me that there is another world out there, one that can only be achieved by continuously seeking wisdom and adventure through the pages of a good book. Our dad is a teacher of all things, a man of many talents, and a father with a strong love that cannot be said in words but with actions.
Sometimes I wonder if my mom knows exactly how big of an impact she has on the world around her. My mom has taught us girls how to care. My mom has a gift of compassion, and this has made her so wonderful at the job she has. As a nurse she needs to care about her patients, but she takes this caring beyond the normal and cares for people on a mental level and not just with their physical level. She has taught us how to care for the person, not just the body. I love when people realize that I am the daughter of the best nurse in Robertson County! It makes me proud when people tell me how my mom cared for them, how she loved them enough to pray with them, and shared with them when they thought they were alone. She may not be Mother Teresa impacting the world, but she is Momma ‘Laine impacting Robertson County.
My mom is smart, caring, loving, entertaining, and strong. She has so many talents to share. She has so many experiences to share. She has so many goals to achieve. And, she has so many ways to love. My mother has led us to love the world around us. She is so complex and wonderful that I cannot put into words everything that she means to me. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to express to my mom exactly how much I love her, exactly how proud of her, and exactly how much I desire to be like her.
God has a plan before we are even born. And I know he had everyone of us in mind when he made a plan for us to be a family. Where one of us is weak, we have another to be strong and to help each other as a family. With the love and learning our parents have given us, I know that with our love for each other we can achieve much. With the lessons we have learned from our parents, we can teach the world around us. With the experiences and passions passed on from our parents, we can impact the world.
That is why on Mother’s Day, I want you to know that we would be nothing without you and Dad. We could never be as strong as we are without you. We would never have the strength to endure without your love for us. We would never have the passion to seek more knowledge without your passion for us. We could never be who we are without the life lessons that you have taught us. We would never feel love every moment of our waking day without you.
Sometimes I wonder if you know how proud we are to have you as our mother.
Sometimes I wonder if you know much we love you.
Sometimes I wonder if you know how much of an impact you have had on the world, not only by yourself, but through us as well.
Sometimes I wonder if you know how strong you have made us through your strength, through your care, and through your love.
I thank you for everything that you have done for us so far, and everything that you will continue to do for us. I have the perfect mother for me. You may not be perfect, but you are perfect for me.
I love you!