A year in status updates

To cupcake or not to cupcake—that is the question. Whether 'tis sweeter in the shape of rounds. The oohs and aahs of outrageous flavors, or to taste in a smaller presentation. Do I want to make cupcakes or a cake?

Epiphany gives great hugs.

When eating sushi it is important not to confuse the avocado and wasabi. Oops my bad! But, hey, now I can pretend to be a fire breathing dragon for a while!

Just pin me down and stroke my hair and I will be fine

Thank you Jared for saving us from the poo monster! (Ok if someone knows what this is about, I would greatly appreciate knowing why I put this as a status)

Hi, I'm Bek, and I'm scared of golf clubs.

Hi, I'm Bek, and I like to Wii alone!

Hi, I'm Bek, and on any day my day can be brightened by a venti sugar free vanilla breve latte no foam at 135 degrees! Yes, I am Bek and I am a coffee nazi!

Hi, I'm Bek, and I'm a hunka-hunk-of burning love!

Hi! I'm Bek, and I am wondering…how to mermaids poop?

Hi! I'm Bek, and I'm also wondering….how do mermaids reproduce?

Hi, I'm Bek, and I'm wondering….what would REAL angel hair taste like? Would it make a hairball that was enjoyable to choke up?

We were jipped our ENTIRE childhood! The macaroni & cheese box says it contains 3 servings! Mom made us split it FIVE ways! We were JIPPED I'm telling you! Jipped!

I like grocery shopping with my parents. Why? Because Daddy says stuff like "we need candied tomatoes." Um. Daddy read it wrong. It says "can diced tomatoes."

I would like to quote the 25^th letter of the alphabet. WHY?!?!?!

Our new cartoppers at work look like shark fins. I now have a very strong urge to play the Jaws theme song when I pull up in someone's driveway.

I've always wondered….how long does it take to hard boil an ostrich egg? Now I know….40 minutes!

Did you know that a hippo can open it's mouth 4 feet! I'm glad I'm taller than that, I have less chance of walking into the mouth of yawning hippo.

Glitter is the herpes of arts & crafts!

If I built an igloo made for two, would you come live with me?

It's cold enough to see a fart out here! WOAH!

Yeah I'm tired. I saw a status from a business on Facebook, and it said "Nashville has over 700 what?" My first thought…port-a-potties!!!

I feel like a psychic. I see. I see. I see….coffee in my future!

Own the oddness!

Life is like a pack of gum, I just don't know why.

Netflix just asked me if I like raunchy movies.

I love the sight of small kids reading big books! Poor thing ran into someone's butt he was so immersed in his book!

Wow! That house smelled like beans! Just smelling it made me want to fart!

Someday my John Wayne will come.

Repeat with me…"Hair gel is SOOOO 1980's!" Get an updated product helmet head!!!

You can spit. You can swear. But you CANNOT come into my house and refer to Oreos as a junk food!

Only in my world does a box that is labeled "body soap" but contains tobacco sauce not raise any questions!

I love how 5^th Avenue makes me feel like Moses on a good rainy day!

I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "for extra volume and body." I'm going to start using Dawn dish soap. It says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

I'm like a cupcake ninja!

Wow, I just saw an elephant give birth. That was really gross. Cool. But extremely gross. Ughh. It was a bubble coming out of below, the POP and WHOOSH! It was like a fire hydrant affixed to the ceiling!

Have you ever realized that female Alabama fans who wear a shirt with the red A on the front bare an uncanny resemblance to Hester Prynne in the Scarlet Letter.

What if what I thought isn't what I thought but something I wouldn't think to have ever thought of?

I just exploded a turtle (again).

You rock my knee socks! Do I rock yours?

I'm no nutritionist, but I am pretty sure that eating an entire tub of chocolate chip cookie dough counts as a raw food diet!

All that glitters is not gold. Sometimes, it is morons pretending to be vampires.

Things to do when you're bored….kidnap a cabbage patch kid

Things to do when you're bored….take a picture….take it back

Things to do when you're bored….harness chipmunk power!

In an attempt to make sure that I was awake & functioning, I asked my sisters to send me a math questions at a certain time. Q: What is pi? My answer? Oklahoma. I wasn't awake yet.

HOLD MY POODLE!

If slugs really sang like they do in "Flushed Away" I might be less tempted to sprinkle them with salt.

You're like my knight in shining….pick up truck!

Letting out a fart on a moving sidewalk is like strapping a fart to a hyperfast missile aimed at everyone behind you.

"I shouldn't be backseat grilling." – Dusty

I don't want to be the girl who is with a guy because she needs him. I want to be the girl who is with a guy because she wants him. Because she deserves him.

I can feel the music in my tea!

Best comment today "I love you more than mac and cheese!" Now that's a lot of love because mac and cheese is awesome!

I live a life without training wheels.

Pride is the sin that will drag you down faster than anything else. – Trip (MHI)

Was that thunder? Nope, it was skittles.

Can you imagine a shirtless gnome laying on a plastic stool benchpressing a 45lb dumbbell with "Thug Life" tattooed on his chest?

Considering the high percentage of super villans with advanced degrees, does that make my sister in danger of being a supervillaness?

Pretty doesn't hide stupid.

Remember when you were told you could be anything you wanted to be? You were lied to. You can't be me. No matter how hard you try, you can't be me. Give it up and go be yourself!

I want to stare at you like you poop unicorns.

I slipped and fel in front of someone. In the midst of him helping me back up & making sure I was ok he asked "is anything injured besides your pride?" Dear, my pride fell out of the window years ago!

It's so annoying how all of my bodily functions sound like kitten giggles and unicorn kisses!

Tonight is one of those nights where I want to throw in the towel instead of fold it.

Not naming the friend but she said "I never liked the word tandem. It sounds like a mix between tampon and condom." Bwahahahaha!

Of course I want to look at the dessert menu! It's all I have left!!!

As for me and my house, decaf is a sin!

Respect my bubble!

Big tough look redneck dude driving big tough Dodge Ram. What does the bumper sticker say? "This is not my boyfriend's truck." You go dude…

World Cup Finals? I think Ireland will win, but Krum will get the snitch.

Some days I ask, "What would Chewbacca do?" And the answer is always "Make that gargly roaring sound." So that's what I do.

That's me in the corner. That's me with my cell phone, losing my reception.

Can I just drop it like it's lukewarm? I'm tired.

I was bored, so I said "Wow that's a weird place to put a piano." Everyone looked around. We were in an elevator.

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!" you are wasting everyone's time.

Screw you "recommended serving size" you don't know me!!!

You know your old when someone reminds you that MMMMMBop (by Hansen) was before their time. Ouch.

Remember "stop, drop, and roll" is not only an effective fire safety procedure, but also a memorable way out of a boring conversation.

Live every week like it's shark week

I read that burglars are using Facebook to see when people are home….from now on…I am home….with a shotgun….and a hungry crocodile….

Google it, Google Boy!

I'm watching Benjamin Button for the 100^th time. Never gets old.

I'm going to have to start following my brain. I'm beginning to think my heart is an idiot.

Come on and give me a big hug! Pretend I'm a banana and squeeze me out of my skin!

It doesn't matter…like a rack of speedos at the Big and Tall mens store.

It doesn't matter….like an opera in Alabama

It doesn't matter…like an accordion in an unlocked car in a "bad" section of town.

It doesn't matter…like a stop sign at 3am.

Dying for someone else is easy. The real question is what would you do to live for them???

This night has just blown….like the water heater

Team work makes the dream work, but this is a nightmare! – Ramalamba

Did I really just write, "keep your tamp hand strong?"

Bazinga, punk!

Not many men would send me a picture of their light saber! Too bad it was a Sith's and not a Jedi's. I'm partial to a good Jedi Light Saber!!!

Some people just need a kiss….on the side of the head…with a baseball bat.

Cashiers are always checking me out!

I'm hopelessly addicted to placebos. I would quit, but it wouldn't make any difference.

If you can't face it, moon it.

If coffee were blood, I would be a count DracuLATTE!

Always be yourself, unless you can be a penguin. Then always be a penguin.

No brain. No pain.

I'm not feeling violent, I'm feeling creative with weapons.

Sometimes I think I'm a genius, and then I realize I've already seen this episode of Jeopardy.

If people could read my mind, I would probably be punched in the face…a lot.

All I want is a nice person to hang out with until I drop dead…is that too much to ask?

My story has an amazing cast of characters, but so far no plot.

I have always wondered if I wrote a book about my experiences, observations, and life in general, would anyone want to read it? At times my life has taken some interesting twists. Some I laugh at. Some I cry over. Some I just sit and look back on with an astounded look plastered on my face. I think everyone can have an interesting life. It's just how you look back on it. Do you see your life as interesting? I do, because I have an amazing cast of characters in my life. But, my story isn't complete yet. The plot has still yet to be written or revealed.

From my crazy family to my even crazier friends, I have been blessed with the people that surround me. From my dad, Burr, who is the smartest person I know, to my dear friend, Jeremy, who is the most intelligent man I know, most people drive my desire to continually learn. From my sister, Rachel, who I swear would make a great nun if they had a better wardrobe, to my best friend, Misty, one of the most faithful people I know, most people drive my desire to continually grow and mature in my faith.

I don't always remember all of the details. I have bits and pieces of my memory. There are some years that I can't remember at all (and that is entirely my fault). But I want to document some of my memories. I hope someone else can learn from my life; maybe it will be what not to do, or maybe what they can do. I think the biggest lesson I have learned so far is to laugh. Enjoy every little minute, because time is so small. It is not guaranteed. When I die, I want to donate my body to science. It's another way to let someone learn from me. I don't need this body anymore, let someone else use it.

Last year, we gave my dad journals, pens, stationary, etc. so that he could write down some of his memories and stories. He has great stories. I don't want my dad to pass and we lose all of these great stories. It's part of our history. Well we gave him that challenge, so why have I not done this myself? I need to write my own history.

"Tomorrow hopes we have learned something from yesterday."—John Wayne.

I don't plan on writing anything in any particular order. Just writing. But, if I learned a lesson from it, I want to share it.

I guess the best love lesson I have learned is that I deserve someone who loves me for who I am not who they can change me into. I once dated a guy that asked me to act one way in front of his parents, one way in front of his sisters, another in front of his brother in law, another way in front of his friends, another in front of his co-workers, and he let me be myself around him, most of the time. I'm sorry, but that is too many people to try and please. He would have been better off dating someone with multiple/split personalities. That just is not me. I wish him all the best in life and love. But, that is one reason I could not love him. What you see is what you get. If you are ashamed of who I am, don't waste my time.

I had another relationship that ended for pretty much the same reason. But, it was for a much funnier reason. Ok, maybe it wasn't that funny. But I laugh pretty hard about it now; when it happened I cried. He was a great boyfriend! We went and did fun stuff together: hiking, biking, walking, kayaking, etc. And, he also liked to eat healthy which was great! He was always very cautious about where we ate because of my peanut allergy. He wanted me to be proud of who I was and how I looked. He was really good with picking out makeup for me to try. That right there should have been my big tip off. He was in the army and he was deployed twice during our relationship. When he came back from the second deployment, he confessed to cheating on me during his deployment. He cheated on me with a man; a man dressed like a woman. Can I admit that it was a real blow to my ego that he was more attracted to a man dressed as a woman then he was to me? I was hurt. We didn't talk for almost a year, but I forgave him, and still have a friendship with him and his partner. And, I know I will always get a cute makeup item for my birthday and Christmas from them. But, I couldn't be what he wanted. I can only be me.

I deserve someone who loves me for who I am. Yes, I do think he can desire for me to be a better me, just as long as I stay me. I know that sounds odd, but hear me out. I am a Christian and I believe in being equally yoked. I want a relationship where we continually yearn to build each other up in Christ. Being able to have someone to understand you on that level is important. I want a relationship based on friendship. I want to be able to laugh with him, cry with him, encourage him, and support him. If this friendship becomes a relationship that leads to a family, that would be great. Because then, my strong Christian man can lead our family, be the head of the household that God has outlined for our lives. This is what I deserve and I will settle for nothing less.

I am superstitious, and as I type there is a guy trying to sweep under my feet. I just told him not to do that because I want to get married someday. I think he thought I was hitting on him. Sorry dude.

Oh, and I have decided I have a strong disliking of Word's grammar check. It keeps telling me to use are instead of is when I really should be using is. Who wrote these rules on Word?

I got off subject. I will come back later and write more. Maybe one day this blog will be all collected up and combined into a book. That might be interesting. Ok, maybe it only sounds interesting to me.

Put a cigarette out on my heart, please.

Put a cigarette out on my heart, please.

For the past two nights, I have had the most horrifying dream. I don't want to call it a nightmare because I found it very poignant to my current state.

The first night, my dream started out with my little sister, Rachel, smoking a cigarette and putting it out on my arm. Then there were more of my loved ones and close friends. All of them were smoking and all of them were putting their cigarettes out on me. In normal lives, these wonderful people do not smoke. They would never intentionally cause me harm. So, why would they do this to me?

The second night, the dream started out the same (with Rachel) but the people became more varied. They included my pastor and his family, my friends AND their kids, my parents friends, etc. All smoking. All putting their cigarettes out on me. It is highly disturbing to dream about a 19 month old sweet peach smoking and putting it out on your knee. It sucks. My heart was in pieces. Why not just put the cigarette out on my heart? Why would they do this to me?

It's not just about me. It's about them too. Why would I do that to them? Because, essentially this is what I was doing to these wonderful people every day. Every time I lit up a cigarette I was hurting them. I was depriving them of getting to spend a longer life with them. I could be harming them physically by second hand. I could be harming them mentally by putting a cigarette out on their hearts.

I decided this week to quit smoking. This is a personal decision; it has nothing to do with anyone. It's my time. I decided to do this for me. I am on the patch, which is helping enormously. My anxieties are a little high, and occasionally I feel like I want to punch people in the face (but I don't). But, I'm tired of hurting my friends and their loved ones. My loved ones. My family . My Rachel.

These dreams started the night after I quit smoking. It is the cigarette on the heart I needed. If I have put a cigarette out on your heart, I apologize profusely. I could never apologize enough for what I have done. This dream was my awakening, it is the kick in the pants I needed. It's the hurt I needed to realize what I have been doing all these stupid stupid stupid 16 years. I hope that I do continue to get a cigarette put out on my heart to keep me strong and remind me of my effect on others.

Please bear with me during this time. Pray for me. Pray for my Mom and Dad because they are being so supportive and putting themselves in the front line getting pretty much the full force emotional flood I am being during this.

Thank you for being in my dreams and putting a cigarette out on me. I know you care because you were there.

Slow burning in a dancing room…

Slow burning in a dancing room…

    Yes, I know that is not how the song goes. I have been thinking a lot lately. So many thoughts have danced through my head and many emotions have burned in my heart. Can anyone understand how I feel? Maybe. I am generally a very upbeat, happy, open, loving and I try to look at the humor in life. But, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

    Upbeat and gloomy. You see me with a pep in my step, a smile on my face and laughter in my heart. I would rather spend my time uplifting others with my attitude and encouragement. But, there are days I have a cloud hanging over my head. Those are the days I hold up a flashlight so you look at my flashlight and not my cloud. I've heard it is comforting to see me "down" because it shows people that I am human. Really!? You need to see me depressed to know that I am human? Am I really that different? Maybe that is why there are days that I can be surrounded by people yet still feel hopelessly alone.

    Happy yet unhappy. I have so many things to be happy for because I have been blessed in life. That does not mean you can hurt me and I'm going to just toss that hurt away. That hurt protects me; it protects me from getting hurt worse. My unhappiness leads me to ask questions that I would never ask you directly. As my friend, can you truly say that you pay attention to me? Or, is our friendship one sided? Am I your friend for your benefit only? Do you notice when something is wrong and choose not to say anything? Or, do you simply not care?

    Open and shut. I have led an extraordinarily ordinary life. I have experienced many things that have helped shape who I am, some good and some bad. In most cases I do not run willy nilly into a situation. My moves are thought out like I'm playing a game of chess. I learn from my mistakes. If I have played with you before I know what I can expect. I can know when I need to sacrifice a pawn to save my queen. Or, maybe I haven't played with you before, I need to make the right decision in a timely manner before someone else steps in and takes my king! Most things I share. But, there are some things that I choose not to share, so please do not pry. And, please do not judge. I judge myself enough.

    These are things I have held back for a while. But, I cannot continue in this pattern. I need to let it go. All the negativity will slowly burn you away until that is all that is left: burning negativity. But, to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Slow dancing in a burning room…

    I am not one who just throws "I love you" around. For me "I love you" is a promise. It means I want you in my life for the rest of my life. I have never uttered those words to a guy I have dated. In fact, until last night I had only said it to two men (one being my dad). And, before you ask….NO I am not dating anyone.

    In the past year I have met someone like me. Someone who understands me and I understand them; someone I can talk to without fear. Last night we were walking for a very short while (to my truck), and as they left and I got in my truck, they said, "I love you." I don't think they heard me, but I said "I love you" back. I said it with all confidence in our friendship.

    The past few weeks have been plagued with negativity, pushing and struggle. Last night all of that was lifted away. I was overcome with joy for the promise of a new long-lasting friendship. My heart is calm and dancing a slow waltz as a fire burns away all of my troubles. There are things you don't have to say, I understand. I can sleep easy knowing you understand me and won't misuse that understanding.

    So I raise my wine glass filled with chocolate milk and proclaim, "TO FRIENDSHIP!!!"

My year in Facebook Statuses

• I have discovered that if you pour the new Cheetos Zingers into the palm of your hand, and flick your tongue out really quick (like a lizard), the Cheetos stick to your tongue (like a fly to a lizard's tongue)!!!! I've been pretending to be a lizard for almost the past 30 minutes (again)!
  

  
   

• I can't wait to stomp you and show you how awesome I am! You're going down! (You know who you are)!!!! <----just a little friendly putt putt trash talk!!!! I love putt putt trash talk!
  

  
   

• Storms are kinda cute when the clouds are shaped like Care Bears!
  

  
   

• I'm swimming in YAY!
  

  
   

• I keep landing in your butt crack---that's what he said! (to clarify that's the butt crack of the couch)
  

  
   

• I went to Wal-Mart for a reason. I walked in and promptly forgot why I was there. I walked out with Captain Crunch. Three bowls later.....I REGRET NOTHING!!!!
  

  
   

• In case you didn't know....the Staples commercial LIE! If you go in their store and go item by item loudly proclaiming "WOW, THAT'S A LOW PRICE!!!" you will get kicked out around aisle 5. I just though you should know.
  

  
   

• Last night in my dream, my phone rang, but no one was there. Then (also in the dream) there was a knock on my door, but no one was there. This morning I found out there actually was a phone call and I did converse with someone in my sleep. So, who knocked on my door, and please tell me I didn't answer the door!
  

  
   

• How do you hit a turtle!? It's not like it is running across the road or anything! It could have been on it's way to see it's family! It could have been going on a hot date! What if it was like Forrest Gump and just felt like runnin? I feel SOOO horrible. And yes, I cried. Poor turtle, I'm sorry I ran over you. Enjoy Turtle Heaven.
  

  
   

• So today someone asks "Hey, why do you read so much?" My reply was, "Because, I don't want to be a complete dummy." His reply, "I haven't read a book since high school." My reply, "My point exactly." Four hours later he looked at me and said, "You called me dumb didn't you?" Why yes, yes I did!
  

  
   

• I fall down and go boom! I got a little too hot, and I got dizzy, and I fell into the bookcase. Why is it that the book that fell was "Oddballs and Eccentrics"??? I got a booboo on my head =( oh well. Hopefully the air will get fixed for good so this won't happen again!
  

  
   

• I was stopped at a stop light with my arm hanging out of the window when these two motorcycles drove by really close! They gave me high fives! Thank you to those two motorcylists, you easily just made my whole night! ♥
  

  
   

• I'm having one of those days where I am embracing the kid in me and the adult....yeah....that's me drinking chocolate milk out of a wine glass! Admit it, you want to do it now!
  

  
   

• My shoulders and back are so sunburned that I have been pretending to be a Tyrannasaurus Rex (just using my forearms instead of upper arms and shoulders) all night! I think I roared at a duvet too! Haha, at least my imagination can get me through the pain almost!
  

  
   

• I just got a text message from my dad that said "About this time 29 years ago, I walked into St. Francis Hospital in Memphis and 3 people yelled at me, 'Go home your wife just called'." This is how Dad might say Happy Birthday, and this is why I love him!
  

  
   

• I was just at Wal-Mart and saw two elderly people in the electronic carts, I was kinda stuck behind them in the aisle and getting a little impatient until the old lady looked at the old man and said "Want to race?" He nodded and she took off! She won! I hope that I am that awesome when I get older!!!
  

  
   

• I keep hearing people talk about this song "Gangster Party" but down here in the south when they say it, it sounds like "Gangsta Potty". Now I'm thinking "What is a Gangsta Potty? A Bejeweled Bidet? Is it a toilet version of the pimp cup?"
  

  
   

• There is a guy at Starbucks that looks like Jesus! Jesus made me coffee! I feel special because Jesus made me coffee! Well, come to think of it, Jesus is kinda hot because he made my coffee and did a GREAT job!
  

  
   

• I took a quick power nap to re-energize. When I woke up there was a $1 under my pillow. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
  

  
   

• I couldn't find my phone, and had to get my absolutely positively most wonderful friend, Misty Wallace , text me. My phone was in the cereal box. Oops! Better than the freezer!
  

  
   

• If you try and rain on my parade, I will take your raindrops, turn them into Skittles, and I will EAT them!
  

  
   

• I ♥ talking to my sister at night and planning gastronomically pleasing, non opposing, non redudant, non explosive meals! "Hmmm, what type of noodles should I have with my grilled ham and cheese? Alfredo broccoli, parmesan, chicken broccoli, or mac and cheese?" My answer? Mac n cheese. even though the cheese type would be gastronomically redundant it would not be a gastronomical opposition.
  

  
   

• I really don't like dreaming when I am not feeling well. How does one choke on cotton candy? Why was Yoda laughing at me? Why were Yoda and Captain Kirk playing darts together? Why can't I go back to sleep now?
  

  
   

• I swear to COW!
  

  
   

• Why is it that when I watch Zombieland I always want to eat spaghetti afterwards? Can you guess what I'm having for lunch?
  

  
   

• You should really be considerate of other people. If someone says "I don't like burgers" don't throw away the whole burger, what if they want to eat the veggies off of it?
  

  
   

• The bathroom door got stuck and I couldn't get out! I kept tugging and tugging and tugging...and then WWWHHHHHAAAAMMMM! I hit myself in the head, and just about knocked myself out. Small knot on the head and a small headache. Maybe I should have just stayed stuck and took a bubble bath. Only me!
  

  
   

• I often pretend that the person standing next to me in an elevator is an unwitting carrier of a deadly airborne disease unleashed by terrorists who hate our freedom. This, of course, forces me to hold my breath until the doors open.
  

  
   

• when i hear this song I think a hippopatumus should be chasing me.
  

  
   

• I don't think I will understand why people think it is ok to answer the door naked when they order a pizza. I do not want to see that! Manorexic, tanorexic, gross. I think he took that song from Annie "You're never fully dressed without a smile" a little bit too seriously.
  

  
   

• Hmmm....I need to get on the ball....if you take all of Starbucks key beverages and multiply them by the modifiers and customization options there is a possibility of 87,000 drinks at Starbucks. If I had Starbucks twice a day it would still take 119 years to consume every drink. Woah!
  

  
   

• if I can blow bubbles with my eyes, I should be able to fart with my ears. just saying
  

  
   

• Live each day like it's your last. And always to the fullest. And just to add some extra fun, surround yourself with mullets!
  

  
   

• I think Microsoft Office needs a Harry Potter edition so it will quit auto-correcting my words or telling me that I'm spelling them wrong. I know how to spell quidditch and quaffle you idiot machine. I do not wish to play "Which with a Waffle"
  

  
   

• I just laughed so hard that a black olive came out of my nose. I keep trying to remind myself that I am not a food dispenser!
  

  
   

• That's gonna leave a bruise. I woke up early today. Why? The bookcase in the corner of my room decided to fall over this morning. Fell over onto my bed. Onto me. What book hit me in the head you ask? The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.
  

  
   

• "If you don't have 3 eggs you may substitute with 4 egg whites." I don't think they understand my current situation.
  

  
   

• Ughhh....trying to sleep but I keep slipping into the almost dream sleep....you still here the television or whatever else is on....so batman is playing in your head and then all of the sudden Dog the bounty hunter busts in your dreams and tries to arrest Batman! Get off my boy dog!
  

  
   

• There is only one type of person that is allowed to waddle, and that would be a pregnant woman. If you are waddling because you don't know what size pants you wear and your pants are below your bottom then you will be considered a duck. DUCK HUNT anyone???
  

  
   

• Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to your, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You're on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like. I'm on a computer.
  

  
   

• If a tomato is technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
  

  
   

• I'm going to beat you like a tetherball!
  

  
   

• I adore my bosses that are concerned for my safety and well being. I thank them for shaking their fingers at me & warning me to "check it before you chomp it."
  

  
   

• Pointy words are mouse turds.
  

  
   

• What is the gestation period of a werewolf? Would it be the same as a human or more shorter like that of a wolf?
  

  
   

• bloody nose + sneezing fit + my unique ability to shoot fluids out of my eyes = a WHOLE new meaning to the term "bloodshot eyes"
  

  
   

• that deep rolling thump you heard was me falling down the stairs. That bang was the cake container hitting the ceiling. The yell was me cursing the fact that I am now having to clean cake out of the carpet.
  

  
   

• Arghh! I hate it when you lay something down, turn around and then can't find it. I just laid them down so I could hang them up. Where are my pants!?
  

  
   

• Someone stole my buggy at Wal-Mart! And I was almost done shopping! Arghh! I think I spotted my missing buggy so I discreetly tossed a few cans of SPAM in there. Take that buggy stealer!
  

  
   

• BLAST ENDED SCREWTS! I have shocked myself so much tonight that my hair is beginning to stand out!
  

  
   

  Have you ever listened to something beautiful and it makes you think "wow, I think my ears just got laid" yeah well that totally just happened, but I have no idea what/who it was I was listening to!

You complete me

Spending time with you I feel you complete me. You spend time with me, and make sure that I am complete. No part of me is forgotten! You stir me up! You beat me into a frenzy! It only takes half an hour with you to heat me up. Oh, the things you can do to me! And then you really get me going! You make me feel like I'm going to explode all over the place. And when you finish so smoothly, it's like icing on the cake. By the end we are both sweating with excitement!

You know I wish cupcakes had feelings. Because, I think this is what my triple chocolate espresso cupcakes stuffed with caramel pudding with a cappuccino frosting would say about our time together!

Walking through the store I spied you.

Walking through the store, I spied you. I debated whether or not I should approach you. Should I stay or should I go? You made me smile as you stood out from the crowd. So I took you home with me.

You see, it has been a while since I've done this. I was feeling old and gray, and then you came around. You have made me feel like a new woman! You have stimulated my senses! You have made me tingle like never before! I have turned red with you around, but I am not ashamed! I want to flip my hair to catch attention, because I want everyone to see the change you have had on me.

You see, today I spied you, took you home with me, spend 30 glorious minutes with you penetrating me! And now, I'm a REDHEAD!!! Hair dye, you complete me!